Sorry The Beatles, you lost. Sorry Blake Griffin, you lost too.
This is an oh so appropriate follow-up to all of this All-Star Weekend nonsense. Man. I’ve seen some Photoshop finesse and classy design in my day, but this album cover, I believe, is the cake taker.
I used to look at old Cash Money Records Covers and marvel at how the bottles of Moet were larger than the automobiles the rappers were standing next to.
Then there was the Big Bear cover, on which the rapper (Big Bear) is puffing on Cuban cigars (alongside real bears) and Doin’ Thangs . It became a cult classic due to its apparent ridiculousness upon immediate glance, but puffin’ dank and getting your anti-oxidant on with the bear brigade isn’t all that far fetched if you know some bears that get down like that.
But now we have a new champ, and his name is Top Dog. Very clever album title and sheer boldness aside, just take a look at some of the graphic faux pas that unintentionally make this an amazing piece of art that negates the debate of the music being good or not (it is actually very entertaining, and any album featuring Ganksta Nip is worth your time, I promise).
First off, I know we all want to avoid a lawsuit. But if your name is Top Dog, I would assume money ain’t a thang, so he did this on purpose. Blurring out the face of the girl that has just been tossed from Magic Johnson to Kareem for the two handed stuff gives us that nice 72 dpi touch that is rarely seen in today’s world of artsy-fartsy, pencil drawn, pseudo retro, pre-k art class dreck and over-budget pastel colored high end rif raff. The girl looks to be screaming for her life beneath that blur, but it’s just too late. She’s dead meat, and the basket is good! She even has her hand out to brace her fall on the hard Staple Center floor.
Next, we have the fiberglass backboard, through which you can see broad daylight. It’s obviously a picture clipped from a playground backboard during daylight, but where Top Dog is, it looks to be late evening. I mean, the skyline says about 7:27 PM PDT- if its spring or fall, which I assume it is by how he’s dressed – but the sky seen through the backboard says high noon.
From a basketball standpoint, Top Dog seems to be floating like Clyde “The Glide” Drexler, but he’s in street clothes. Do you have any inkling of a clue how difficult it is to fly in for a two-handed stuff with a girl in your arms? Let’s add the fact that he’s doing it all while wearing Gabardines, a pair of gators and a blazer. Blake Griffin is the truth; he hopped over a car (with a choir singing in the background) and dunked for fuck sake, but until someone puts a broad through a God damn basketball hoop, I suggest those dickrider spectators at All-Star weekend put those “10” signs down.
But wait! The Judges must disqualify! Top Dog is cheating! He’s clearly standing on a wooden plank, which is oddly dead smack in the middle of the skyline. This is way too much. I mean, how can you all really sit up here and give Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band the accolades of best album artwork of all time when this man is multi-tasking under a picturesque two-tone skyline? To give that award to The Beatles is damn near ignorant.
Whether this cover makes you sigh, cringe, laugh uncontrollably, or just gaze in disbelief…it really is Top Dog and he really is Slam Dunk’n Hoes. Kobe got the All-Star game MVP last night, but that fool didn’t deserve shit. Hand that hardware over to Top Dog and support ingenuity in rap, art, and sports! While you’re at it, go buy Slam Dunk’n Hoes , but as you can see, it’s Limited Edition so you all better hurry the fuck up and stop bullshitting before its too late.