Hard as we tried to find some interesting shit tweeted by rappers regarding last night’s 54th Annual Grammy Awards ceremony we couldn’t. Save for the occasional insightful tweet by, say, a @FreddieGibbs (“Highlight of the Grammys was rhinestone cowboy”) it was brutally bland – this despite LL Cool J’s inaugural gig hosting, Lady Gaga’s face mesh-wear, and Nicki Minaj’s perplexing goth-rap performance. Not the case with ego trip big bawse Ted Bawno (of the Ted Bawno Ministries, a/k/a TBM), whose commentary on the music industry’s yearly self-congratulatory ritual cut right to the heart of things. Don’t believe us? Read on for an essential composite read of Ted’s Grammys blow-by-blow. All hail Bawnoism!
PEEP TED BAWNO’S TWEETS ABOUT THE GRAMMYS… AFTER THE JUMP…
1. TEddy is going in on the Grammys,
2. how many bloggers have their knee pads out?
3. Bruno is lookin like Special Ed’s flamboyant cousin. #igotitmadeboyfriend
4. Katy Perry looks like she works at a Russian strip club.
5. Adele got right! but she still has big hands.
6. Lil Wayne looks special needs.
7. Chris Brown should beat his own meat, not women.
8. Chris Brown is going to end his performance by slapping his own ass. Watch.
9. Chris Brown dancing atop a Mayan pyramid. #illuminati
10. Chris Brown is trying to jack Kanye’s metrosexual swag. #movebitchgetouttheway
11. Chris Brown is a great dancer but Sammy Davis Jr treated women better.
12. Kelly Clarkson is thick in a ’round da way kinda way. get it–ROUND? oh yeah, we know Teddy likes ’em thick. i’ll take Robin Thicke’s wife.
13. Illuminati! Illuminati! Jay and Kanye are at an Illuminati meeting. that’s why they’re not at the Grammys.
14. Kanye in the mirror: “These niggas ‘gon miss me tonite. i’mma be on they minds. they gonna wonder where i’m at. Jay just had a baby!”
15. Flay-vor Sl-aaaave!
16. Maroon 5: great music for Jewish girls.
17. TV On The Radio are the black Beach Boys. how come they didn’t get invited to perform? i’ll tell you why: RACISM!
18. BRUNO MARS: go BACK TO URANUS!
19. LL is illuminati. he made the eye symbol and his spoken word is terrible. #illuminati
20. LL Cool J looks like Danny Devito in that outfit.
21. LL Cool Jay looks like a limo driver for Carmel car service.
22. actually, carmel is 666-6666. ILLUMINATI.
23. why are all the blacks riding with Taylor Swift now? especially after Kanye went Rosa Parks on her ass.
24. I’m rockin’ with E Swift and J Swift. Taylor Swift is Walton’s Music.
25. OK, Taylor gets props for rockin’ the banjo. a BLACKMAN’s instrument. the banjo was the original MPC.
26. Lady GaGa looks like Peter Parker busted off on her face.
27. Lady GaGa tried to dis Adele because she was a little thick. but GaGa can catch a bad one in the hood for that. because sistas relate.
28. Rhi Rhi just said “lick a shot” to Adele.
29. Nicki’s performance was like Roots meets The Walking Dead. #dead
30. Nicki fell off like Coolio’s third album.
31. Nikki needs to sign wit g Unit at this point. #thehooddoneforgotaboutyou
32. Nicki Minaj needs to reflect on her carer and on the careers of Keebler elves.
33. sir Paul just repped TBM #HARDBODY. he BODIED Nicki Minaj–who is on some Walking Dead trip.
34. Lil B should have won a Grammy. Shame on you LL for not recognizing Lil B.
35. jut realized that you california people are just seeing the wackest Grammys ever. BUT it went down in Cali. #statewidefail