Ah! Mother Nature finally stopped fuckin' around and delivered us some real late Spring weather here on the east coast - it's officially mating season. But in the increasingly diverse yet oh so segregated Nouveau York, there's so much to lust after: French vanilla, butter pecan, chocolate deluxe, caramel sundaes... but does the flavor one sticks his spoon in still matter? And furthermore, how can you tell if you fall in the "look but don't touch" category? Kim Kardashian and Zach from Zebrahead we're all not.
Rap iconoclast Professor Griff asks, "What happened to the women who looked like my mama?!" The brothers he barbecues in this video obviously want no part of waking up to a Precious doppelganger (although many brothers have been spotted with a fat Kelly Osbourne doppelganger), but what does one do when presented with options? Let's look at the Top 10 rap songs (and one honorable mention) to ever bumrush the subject of crashing a party on the other side of town and laying the pipe down and search for an answer. Yes, it gets interesting when love, lust, and race create a three car pile-up.
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10. Mighty Casey - "White Girls" (Busted Lip, 2001)
A self-proclaimed “light-skinned Mandingo,” MC MC sparked a bit of buzz with this one. Showing love to the once off-limits Beckies, Caitlins, and Kellys, Casey bucks the long-reigning Nation of Islam-inspired hip-hop general consensus on the snow bunny. And he's aiming high on the assimilation ladder - we're talking Emily from Chappaqua here, not the white girl from Pelham Bay with the Wu tattoo. Although he admitted the song was a joke, Casey echoed a "Diary of a Tired Black Man"-esque sentiment that I’ve heard echo loudly through black barber shops in recent years: “Back in the day I was gettin’ no play, then I went the white girl way like OJ.”
9. Kam - "Y'all Don't Hear Me Dough" (EastWest, 1992)
audio:http://www.egotripland.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Kam-Yall-Dont-Hear-Me-Dough.mp3|titles=Kam - Y'all Don't Hear Me Dough]
Aha! The age old metaphorical rap correlation between pork and white women! Both are supposed to be signs of American success and happiness. But if you're black, both are supposed to be bad for you. Selling out and ending up in Ice Cube's trunk next to a box of bean pies or raising your blood pressure and cholesterol at Sunday morning breakfast after praying to a blonde Jesus - take your pick. Kam, a member of the N.O.I., puts bigoted cops, Becky, and bacon in one big Hefty bag and throws 'em down the incinerator. (Miscegenation conversation starts at the 1:04 mark.) Songs like these are rare in 2012, but at the tail end of the pro-black rap movement's tenure as a major faction of hip-hop, "pork is the white man and the white man is PORK!" (to quote Allen Payne in CB4.) Nowadays, white girls are a euphemism for cocaine. Movin on' up!
8. Y’all So Stupid - "Dirt Road White Girl" (Rowdy, 1993)
STANCE: Pro, but don’t be an idiot.
Like many of us, the ‘93 quartet from Atlanta knew white girls who wore colossal, Nefertiti earrings and Black Bart Simpson t-shirts. There’s something maladroit about Katie Sue rocking an Africa continent-shaped nose ring, but at least she gave the few brothers and Hispanic cats in school some poo-tang when their own women told 'em to go fuck themselves. You were brimming with anticipation when then the hook for Wu-Tang’s “Shame On A Nigga” came on the boom box and Katie Sue had been rapping along word for word, but if she dropped an n-bomb during sex, you didn’t trip. You gave her an extra hard stroke for her great great granddaddy being a punk-ass slave-ownin’ ofay, splashed on her parents’ duvet cover and snuck out the kitchen door. Your window of opportunity closed when she went to law school in her late 20s.
7. Cooly Live - "No Cream In My Coffee" (RCA, 1992)
STANCE: Anti, but not angry.
As mentioned in my post dedicated to good rap albums with poor covers, Cooly chimes in to let the audience know that Jungle Fever better back up off him. Not that it’s wrong, it’s just not Cooly. After all, he doesn’t know much about matzah so how can we expect him to register on jdate.com and be the token brother?
6. Tweedy Bird Loc - "My Dicc is Prejudice" (Dangerous, 1994)
STANCE: Anti. Very anti.
Tweedy doesn’t like anything white. That includes paper because there’s no way he didn’t freestyle this shit. As mentioned in my Rap Controversy post, “My Dicc Is Prejudice” and its sequel (which total 8:18 of sonic vitriol towards interracial dating) still stand as inflammatory anathema to colorblind pimpin’.
5. Sinister - "Mr. Dick" (Interscope, 1994)
Cali’s Sinista has since passed on (R.I.P.), but he made a hell of a mark for interracial sex in his tenure on the third stone from the sun. Sinista appreciates the skill sets and attributes of all women and even finds tiny Caucasian lips sexy, sultry, slutty, and serviceable.
4. Public Enemy - "Pollywanacracka" (Def Jam, 1990)
Chuck D rapping in a conversational tone is priceless, but the frontman of the all-time greatest rap militia gets the most points for throwing a curveball - he promotes acceptance for black folks who wish to do a lil’ dippin’ on the other side. Brilliantly pan-mixed pontificating from black women and men are sandwiched between Chuck’s calm voice of reason, making this the least biased and most level-headed tune of the pack.
3. Ice Cube - "Cave Bitch" (Priority, 1993)
Mr. Jackson lets us know his dick is prejudiced, but you can be a fan if you wish, Pippi Longstocking. Damn Cube, even if she employs the the Stairmaster and can burn the shit out of some collard greens? Oh well. The intro from Dr. Khalid Muhammad kills any inkling of a chance of Paris Hilton getting a piping and his words cut like a rusty, AIDS-infected bayonet. Yeah, Cube would “rather fuck an albino.” I don’t know any albinos who look better than Alyssa Milano, but whatever.
2. The Juggaknots - "Clear Blue Skies" (Fondle 'Em, 1996)
Breeze Brewin is probably the most underrated MC of the last 15 years and this song is partly why. By far the most creative approach to the subject, “Clear Blue Skies” sees the Baby Boomer redneck dad and the Generation X son with the black girlfriend butt heads. Recorded in ‘95, the record is still relevant today. Obama may have given you insight on how to flip your NCAA brackets, but his tenure as prez doesn’t mean it’s that much easier to be Flipper and Angie today, especially when the families get involved.
1. Too Much Trouble - "We Want Pussy" (Rap-A-Lot, 1993)
It’s ironic that the most ignorant and misogynist song of the bunch is also the most sensible. Houston’s TMT are down with a Rainbow Ho-alition, yes, Roy G. Biv. They “ain’t colorstruck,” they “just wanna fuck.” Don’t we all? Summer’s upon us, everyone is looking their best, stop thinking about what’s ideal for your future. It’s all about putting the pipe down and we’re not talking drug rehab. Look at TMT - so ign'ant, yet so smart and the knowledge starts gettin' dropped at the 1:47 mark:
“Ain’t nuthin like black pussy on my dick, but I’ll be damned if I don’t fuck me a white bitch.”
“Or them long blonde-headed cock...snows, I don’t discriminate, I fuck all type of hoes.”
“Fuckin' Mexicans and them flat-booty J.A.P.s, I like them Senorita bitches lookin’ very mean, fit pussy sittin’ all fat in them jeans.”
“I fuck Oriental sideways ‘cause they pussy slant.”
And making sure to never allow the sugar walls to supercede the sugar dollar, TMT sprays pimpology: “I love the way pussy make me feel, I also love the way the pussy pay the bills.”
And if you’re offended by the crass racial stereotypes, I ask ya: How much dating / sexual diversity have YOU pursued in YOUR lifetime? Not as much as TMT and I’ll bet the house on that.
Honorable Mention: Del the Funkee Homosapien - "Dark-Skinned Girls"
STANCE: Anti, but some contradictory behavior neutralizes it.
This doesn’t explore the joys or perils of dipping in the other pool (thus it can't technically make the list), but it stands tall in the pantheon of race-related love songs. Why? Because beautiful dark-skinned sistas weren’t getting their props at the time. (The time being the Al B. Sure / Babyface era, when Jasmine Guy and Karyn Parsons were the shit and niggas like Ice-T and I were winning, even without having to use baby oil in our hair.) That alone makes this joint a classic, but it’s also divisive for black women and it came back to bite Del years later. (He stated in The Source that his girlfriend was white. Yes, after he rapped “if your titties is pink, then you are white and I’m not the right man.”) Can’t drop the hypocrite hammer on Del, though. In the words of Richard Pryor, “some mean pussy can make a man change gods.” Religions, races, same shit.
We're not as liberal and accepting a society as we think (register on a dating site and approach all creeds and colors with reckless abandon if you disagree), but get it however you can! Enough palaver about what's right or wrong, just doowhatchalike (what up, Humpty?). You'll feel better about yourself when your window of time for mass miscegenation closes.