It's that time again. Hallmark's makin' a killing. Restaurants are booked solid. Cap'n Save 'Em is en route to the dry cleaners to pick up his cape. Couples have put their daily acts of side infidelity on temporary
ho-atus hiatus. Yup, Cupid is out with his bow and arrow looking for a sucker to snipe. Last year, for Valentine's Day I chose the raunchiest in freaky tales for the inevitable acts of lust that go down after the Visa is run for that $300 dinner. But what happens when love goes wrong? Times like those call for solidarity amongst Cupid detractors, not reminders of sex that won't take place or feelings of affection that went out like Crystal Pepsi. For all love detractors I present... When love goes wrong: My 25 favorite anti-love rap songs of all time (with one honorable mention). After all, who's more dysfunctional when it comes to matters of the heart than megalomaniacs with microphones?
CLICK THE THUMBNAILS ABOVE TO BEGIN THE ANTI-LOVE MOVEMENT
25. Gang Starr - "Lovesick" (Chrysalis, 1991)
The late, great Guru gives us the soft cousin of the "fuck-a-bitch" song: The that-bitch/motherfucker-gets-on-my-nerves-but-damn-now-I-miss-her/him song. Sometimes Cupid does a drive-by on even the truest of goons.
It was a toss-up between this and Main Source's "Looking at the Front Door," if you're wondering why that song is absent from the list. "Lovesick" for the win.
24. Too $hort - "I Ain't Nothin' But A Dog" (Jive, 1992)
I can't really say Too $hort is a master of 'love gone wrong' songs - he's never, ever claimed to have been in love at any point in his 30 year career. (Or maybe he was prior to his career and the outcome spawned hip-hop's longest recording run to date.) But one thing's for sure: $hort has corrupted the minds of many young men considering going down that road of romance. Gotta give him credit for that. As for Valentine's Day, he's probably not participating this year. At least not in the romantic part:
"Most brothers try to take freaks out. I get a room and stick my dick in her mouth. They spend money on a movie and some dinner. But $hort Dog'll go straight up in her."
23. K-Solo - "Your Mom's In My Business" (Atlantic, 1989)
Ah, the good old days when only the overzealous, busy-body mom or the jealous, wide and fried friend of the girl you were seeing could meddle in your relationship enough to totally destroy it. K-Solo didn't realize how good he had it - Facebook wasn't around back then. Nowadays you're just fucked all kinda ways.
22. Nas - "Bye Baby" (Def Jam, 2012)
That Nas is one high road takin'-ass guy. Jesus. Plus he has great genes. Age compounded with the stress that Kelis plastered on him in a very acrimonious, tumultuous and (literally) taxing divorce would normally all but ensure he'd be looking like Sly Stone these days. But the guy can still pull off an uptown fade with half-moon part. Now that's dealing with stress like a champ. His cool carries over on this song, and although the talent-free Dairy Queen probably made life worse for Nas than it was anyone on this list, he never really sounds too incensed. Just disappointed. Awww, hip-hop's all grown up now. He's a better man than me, that mature, nice, grown man Nas.
21. O.C. - "Ga Head" (Wild Pitch, 1994)
Same sex relationships are common today, as are songs about being cheated on. But give O.C. bonus props for addressing both during what was arguably rap's most alpha male and homophobic era. One in every 10 rappers would admit to being the faithful one getting played, but when the "other man" was a woman, that would've really been playing roulette with your rep.
"Yo fellas, she dissed me for another chick."
You just didn't hear that in 1994. An overlooked and ahead of its time relationship jam.
20. King Sun - "Undercover Lover" (Profile, 1991)
Love is a beautiful thang and so much fun...until someone forgets which position they're playing. In this case, the side piece decides to trap our mack daddy, King Sun, with a baby and become the main squeeze. Muy mal. The final 25 seconds of the song say it all. (Undercover) Love's gonna getcha.
19. BWP - "Fuck A Man" (RAL, 1991)
This song is God awful, but I love it. The fellas have their worst fears confirmed live and uncut from the mouths of the self-dubbed Bytches With Problems, BWP. Neglected to use a rubber and now a pregnancy is part of the equation? Cool, she'll go through with it just to go shopping with the money after she takes you to the judge - then go fuck another man. Brrrrr. This needs to be the unofficial theme song for Trojan.
18. MC Shy D - "G.T.F.O.M.F.B." (Benz, 1990)
As one who's experienced his very first dumping on Valentine's Day (and holding a box of chocolates like a sucker while it went down), I feel an anthem for angry men who'll go to bed jerking off and highly upset needs to be on this list. Shy D reps hard for friend zone victims who can't wait for this day to pass.
17. Mack 10 - "Spousal Abuse" (Priority, 2000)
Baby mama / baby daddy tales are to hip-hop what losing one's woman is to the blues. But the outspoken west coast Mack One Oh takes it deeper with real accounts of a truly greedy, money hungry and vindictive ex who uses their kid as a pawn and fabricates domestic violence reports. That porno magazine sounds really enticing after hearing this.
16. Lil’ Bastards - "Bitch Get A Job" (Livin' Large, 1992)
Finances play a major role in all things love whether we like it or not. "No Scrubs," "Ain't Nothin' Goin' On (But the Rent)," "Tramp"...the ladies have made us aware of our shortcomings with regard to slacking with the stacking. But one-song wonders, Lil' Bastards, reverse the game and give unemployed, lazy, gold-digging women a swift stroke from a Timberland boot. "Bitch Get A Student Loan (And Another Degree)," the millennial update, has yet to be recorded. Get on it, y'all.
15. Poison Clan - "The Bitch That I Hate" (Luke Skyywalker, 1990)
The self-dubbed "Bitchizer," JT Money, fronts the Miami-based group that made records like "I Hate Ho's," "Somethin' For You Raggedy Ho's," "Put Shit Past No Ho," "Ho Stories," etc. and shot a kid on an album skit 5 times for saying he respected women. This wasn't really the type of group to troll OK Cupid looking for soul mates, but "The Bitch That I Hate" is a rare glimpse of the PC boys trying to save their relationships. Sort of...in their own special ways. And if these special women don't take heed, they will become...the title of the song.
14. Chunk - "Treat 'Em Like They Act" (Menace Muzik, 1991(
In a clever display of songwriting, Bay Area goon, Chunk, examines the prospect of a healthy relationship over a lovey-dovey "Blind Alley" loop - then flips the script and sprays venom at gold diggers mercilessly over a sinister "Tramp" loop.
"I used to be in love, now I'm hatin' hoes' guts."
See? It doesn't just happen out of nowhere.
13. Morcheeba ft. Slick Rick - "Women Lose Weight (Remix)" (Reprise, 2002)
Slick Rick has an uncanny way of using his storytelling prowess to make the listener see love as some lead-laden abandoned General Motors office on a dilapidated Detroit block. "Mistakes of Woman...," "I Shouldn't Have Done It," "Treat Her Like A Prostitute," "Teenage Love," etc...the dude must've only been on the love roller coaster on the days it malfunctioned and people died. "Women Lose Weight" is classic Rick, as he examines the common problem of slacking and snacking after the wedding is over, better known as post-marital weight gain. This time, his woman's widening waist leads to attempted murder. That's nothing short of stone cold and brilliantly pimpish. Alchemist remix for the win.
12. Kool G Rap - "Edge of Sanity" (Cold Chillin', 1992)
Love gets more complicated when someone moves in. Then it becomes about other things. Like finances (again). In a twisted tale of a faltering relationship, rap's most crisp with the lisp resorts to crime to bring in money when his nagging girlfriend won't shut up about his state of unemployment. That results in jail time...and infidelity...and murder. Love is fillin' up graves, y'all.
11. Akinyele - "I Luh Huh" (Interscope, 1993)
*Disclaimer: The content of this song does not reflect the beliefs of J-Zone or ego trip.
No surprises here, as Ak's casually violent rap ballad earned its own individual V-Day post last year. But the love / hate factor is just oozing on this jam; an omission from this list would be egregious. The Ak has planned a "homemade abortion" to alleviate the stress of his pregnant girlfriend. He sees his future dwindling before him with an unexpected fatherhood sprung upon him and believes he's been trapped. But despite plotting to sick his little man on her to kick her in the stomach and throw her down a flight of steps, he "still luh huh." This love shit is quite complicated.
10. King Tee ft. Ice Cube & Threat - "Don’t Put A Hoe B4 the Homie" (Capitol, 1993)
We've all had a friend who fell into the Bermuda Triangle or began wearing flowered ascots and adopting a lettuce-only diet after they got turned out. King Tee, Threat and Ice Cube go vicious on those following in the footsteps of Doug Christie.
"She'll have your ass cookin' dinner."
Whoa! A man working that stove - who would've thunk it?!
9. Tony M.F. Rock - "Don’t Go Out Like A Sucker" (1VBR, 1989)
Everyday someone swallows their pistol or jumps off a bridge due to heartbreak. Miami's Tony M.F. Rock tells the M.F. truth with a somber tale of a friend who allowed a returned engagement ring to nudge him into suicide. Yikes.
8. Nikki D - "Your Man Is My Man (Large Professor Remix)" (Def Jam, 1991)
With all the alpha male energy that rips through this list, the ladies have a voice in Nikki D. Equally as vicious and cold as the iciest male mack, the Flavor Unit affiliate addresses ladies foolish enough to give a fuck about their boyfriends cheating. Yes. Nikki will actually be the one to fuck your man, then toss him curbside and change her number. Nikki surely ruined many a Valentine's Day for many a (wo)man once upon a time:
"Don't you understand? I don't care about a man. Sure enough I did him, he was fiendin'. Damn!"
7. Louis Logic ft. Apathy - "Best Friends" (Pot To Piss In, 2003)
LL makes the list with a disturbing two-part tale of his two closest confidants, his lady and best friend, breaking his trust in grueling fashion and throwing an accidental pregnancy in the mix for more petrol on the fire. Part two, "Revenge!!!," sees our scorned lover take drastic measures for retribution, leaving the listener no choice but to become an advocate for jerking off and going to sleep. Sometimes this love shit ain't worth it.
6. Willie D - "I’m Not A Gentleman" (Rap-A-Lot, 1991)
The official anathema to Valentine's Day in song form. No pulling out chairs, opening doors, holding hands or entertaining such dreck as chivalry. Willie counter's Cupid's arrow with a sawed off shot gun blast to wipe out all R&B-esque notions of romance associated with this holiday.
"I won't pack your bags out the store, nor will I take you to a play or a musical, whore."
5. Akinyele ft. Kool G Rap - "Break A Bitch Neck" (1995)
The quintessential anti-love song...and playing it in front of a woman is a great way to guarantee you won't get laid. So be sure to play it after you've already been friend zoned and still get plastered with a $250 dinner bill.
4. Freddie Foxxx - "Somebody Else Bumped Ya Girl" (MCA, 1990)
Though more known for loving his gun, his mic, a piece of ass and a good fight, Bumpy Knuckles told tales of love gone painfully (and humorously) awry early in his career. An episode of Cheaters in rap form, "Somebody Else Bumped Ya Girl" explores the humiliating quagmires that erupt when "everybody knows your girl better than you."
3. RZA (as Bobby Digital) - "Domestic Violence" (Gee Street, 1998)
RZA's alter ego fills his nagging, hoodrat girlfriend in on the harsh realities of life: "Talkin 'bout you gon' be a nurse, bitch, to be a nurse you gotta go to school first!" Is there any other need to justify this song's spot on this list? If only we were all so bold as to tell our partners what we truly feel about them.
2. Nas - "Undying Love" (Columbia, 1999)
Mr. Jones takes the "If I can't have you, nobody can" mantra to heights greater than any other rapper has ever achieved. One of the better-written songs on this list, this wretched and detailed tale of infidelity is Nas at his best.
1. Suga Free - "I’d Rather Give You My Bitch" (Polygram, 1997)
The boldest pimp-talkers in rap would have trouble competing with one of the TVs in Suga Free's car. (I witnessed his lateness to an in-store in L.A. due to one of the said TVs draining the car battery.) Simply put, only stone frozen pimps and those completely oblivious to the concept of love / relationships could ever write or relate to a song like this. Nothing in the history of recorded music has ever deemed love more fatuous and trifle than this hilariously-titled romp that alludes to one's weed holding more value than one's woman. The second verse earned an ego trip "Ignorant Rhyme of the Month" accolade once upon a time. Rightfully so. If your lover leaves you at any point around Valentine's Day, don't mope - just look at that half-rolled joint in the ashtray and smile. Because if that walked out on you what the fuck would you do?
Honorable Mention: Eminem - "Kim" (Aftermath, 2000)
I never really liked this song, but Slim's menacing vitriol toward his wife, Kim, although beyond slapstick, cannot be denied. I'm surprised Kim never showed up in the trunk of a Datsun somewhere and this very public and personal slaughtering goes down as one of most brutal, emotional and intense ever. If the make-up sex was anything like the song, Kim probably pushed out quintuplets.