I see Cupid shot’cha in the ass again, huh? Fuck all that. Let’s kill all the formalities and flowers. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is what truly motivates you to make those donations to Hallmark and that swank sushi spot with the $27 California rolls. Let’s hear from some folks who understand that concept. I present to you my 20 greatest sex-related rap songs of all time . Happy Valentines Day…[insert Snoop Dogg in Baby Boy voice] “scrub.”
#20. Luke (ft. Notorious B.I.G.): "Bust A Nut" (1996, Luke Records)
Considering Biggie weighed 300+ pounds, claimed to have defecated on women, and did all of the above most likely while wearing a giant Coogi sweater, you have the greatest and most ignorant Biggie rhyme of all time.
CLIMAX: “I like ’em cute, round tits and fat asses / educated, so I can bust off on their glasses.”
#19. B.W.P.: “2 Minute Brother” (1991, RAL)
DENOMINATION: Lazy, lousy men
The ladies let us males know how much we suck.
CLIMAX: “Is this all I get? Is this supposed to be good dick?”
#18. AMG: “Bitch Betta Have My Money” (1991, Select Records)
DENOMINATIONS: Sex for $$$$, reversing the game
AMG taught me at the tender age of 14 that if you’re good enough, the game can be reversed. Easier said than done; tradition is a muthafucka and as long as the insufferable Capt. Save-a-Ho exists, it’s an uphill battle. Slow strides are being made. It’s kind of like erasing racism.
CLIMAX: “I’m no joke when I stroke for a client / bitches need dick, so they’re buying it / G with the hi-top fade, open up your Coach bag, bitch, so I can get paid.”
#17. JCD & the Dawg Lb.: “Bon Appetit” (1992, Profile Records)
One hip-hop faux pas in the early ‘90s was an alpha male rapper admitting on record to pleasuring a woman orally. Like interracial dating, homosexuality, and other largely Generation Y concepts that were publicly shunned, denounced, or obscured in years past, rappers made giant strides and finally started eating some pussy on records (Beatnuts, Pooh Man, etc.) This early ode to tongue action remains unheralded in the pantheon of lick ‘em low rap.
CLIMAX: “We all eat pussy, even the niggas who front hard / moustache smellin’ like menstrual discharge.”
#16. Ghostface Killah: “Wildflower” (1996, Epic Records)
DENOMINATIONS: Angry sex, revenge fuck
Sometimes the best nut is achieved when you’d like nothing better than to back a Winnebago over your unfaithful partner as he/she lays in the driveway – but you just fuck their brains out instead.
CLIMAX: “Yo bitch, I fucked your friend / yeah you stink ho.”
#15. Choice: “One Just Ain’t Enough” (1992, Rap-A-Lot Records)
DENOMINATIONS: Ho-ish rap, trains
Lil’ Kim owes Choice a check. The first slutty female MC, Choice lets the world know that not one dick, but multiple dicks are what it takes to keep her satisfied.
CLIMAX: “I can take the world’s biggest dick and still won’t scream / yeah, I’m a ho, but not your average ho / I like to stay on top and ride you to the fuckin’ flo’ / so if you wanna fuck me, you better bring a homie / ‘cause it takes more than one nigga, to bone me.”
#14. The Geto Boys: “The Other Level” (1991, Rap-A-Lot Records)
DENOMINATIONS: Threesomes, change of sexual orientation
The lilliputian pimp, Bushwick Bill, plays John Stockton and receives the assist for getting two women to abandon their heterosexual ways for one night. This wouldn’t be as amazing if Bill weren’t four feet tall and the girls doing the adlibs and slurping didn’t sound so wildly uncomfortable and loud in the song’s mix. Plus, you have to respect Bushwick for channeling Cosby when he’s about to get things poppin’.
CLIMAX: “Pick ‘em up and I make em feel comfortable / cracking jokes, as if I were Cliff Huxtable.”
#13. Scarface: “The Pimp” (1991, Rap-A-Lot Records)
DENOMINATIONS: Sex for $$$$, marriage counseling
Face fills the listener in on how to help keep marriages afloat in the second verse. Sometimes a little outside help is needed to keep the fire lit when your partner is working long hours.
CLIMAX: “I guess her husband ain’t packin’ / ‘cause the bitch damn sure is fuckin Akshen [Scarface] / but what he don’t know won’t hurt him, shit / ‘cause see I don’t love that bitch.”
#12. Section 8 Mob: “Ketchup on My Hot Dog” (1994, Solar Records)
DENOMINATION: That time of the month
Lesser-known, D.C.-based S8 Mob explains why an cyclic obstacle for most couples is not an obstacle for them – via a condiment-pork metaphor. Not for the squeamish, but hey, they get points for being creative.
Climax: “Ya say you’re bleeding? You’re bloated? You’re all cramped up? I got a pocket full of Midol and I’m ready to fuck… / I’ll smell your dirty ass while you’re giving me head / a nigga woke up, I’m 69-ing in the red.”
#11. Master P: “Oooh Shit” (1992, No Limit Records)
DENOMINATION: Unsafe Sex
Before the “Unnnnnnhhhh” man made it big and Pen & Pixeled his way into the hearts of the masses, he was making lo-fi, amateur-sounding songs about gettin’ some head from a female corpse and what happens when you decide to slip-n-slide without a Jimmy Hat.
Climax: “After the concert a nigga dick turned blue / and when I see her, I’mma kill that bitch / Damn, she done did somethin’ to my dick.”
#10. Brooklyn Assault Team: “On the Bone Again” (1993, Flavor Unit Records)
DENOMINATION: Backed up / Dry spell
Nobody bats .1000. We’ve all had moments when the Rolodex is empty and shit gets thick. Unless you have no standards or Ted Bawno money. Even better, the second verse completely ignores the song’s dry spell theme in true “my main man just got outta jail so I’m putting him on a song to welcome him home” fashion.
Climax: “Now I’m chillin’, layin in my bed / with my hand between my legs, playin’ with my dick head / lookin’ at a real freaky white chick, suck a black dick on a porno flick / and I ain’t got no bitch? / man, that’s corny / my dick’s hard as a rock and I’m horny.”
#9. Too $hort: “Freaky Tales” (1989, Jive Records)
DENOMINATIONS: Promiscuity, Variety
The quintessential blueprint for the sex rhyme. Short Dog utilizes 9:30 to lay claim to 40 different women from all different walks of life.
Climax: “Like this tender, named Belinda / the homeboys call her, Belinda the Blender / she gave head, like she made it up / she was 20 years old with a big, round butt.”
#8. Poison Clan: “Ho Stories” (1992, Effect Records)
DENOMINATION: Undesirable situation sex
The self-proclaimed “Bitchizer” of Poison Clan, JT Money, takes us on two wild journeys of getting with last resort sexual partners. Sometimes you gotta make accommodations and shit.
Climax: “Big bitch was a freak, she turned me over and started lickin’ out my buttcheeks / then I got into it / I said ‘please, don’t squeeze my ass when you do it’ / she must not have liked the taste / ‘cause she stopped eatin’ ass when I farted in her face.”
#7. Grand Daddy IU: “Girl in the Mall” (1990, Cold Chillin' Records)
DENOMINATION: Same day score
As some of you may know, this one holds a special place in my heart as the song that kick-started my modest rap career. Hearing it at age 13 gave me a completely skewered rendition of what an episode is like from meeting to main event, but never have Scope and Crest played such integral roles in sex before or after this record.
Climax: “She agreed to do the deed but as she grabbed my beef / I smacked the shit out her, and said ‘go brush your teeth.’”
#6. Greyson & Jasun: “Laura” (1991, Atlantic Records)
As fellow Vance Wright proteges, I had the chance to meet and work with G&J. To this day, I remind them that this song is why I try not to infringe on an already claimed woman, especially on her home court. At the risk of sounding lame, no nut is worth an encounter with a seven foot Cuban.
Climax: “He said ‘I’mma kill you both while you’re layin’ in the bed / I’mma cut off your balls and nail ‘em to her head.’”
#5. MC Ren: “Behind The Scenes” (1992, Ruthless Records)
DENOMINATIONS: Incest, trains, peeping tom
MC Ren has a knack for these stuck-up-bookworm-turns-neighborhood ho stories. But “Behind the Scenes” is on another level. After snooping through a window and witnessing the mother and father fucking our trampy bookworm, what does Ren do? Call the fuzz? Report it to Child Protective Services? No, not Ren. He’s too much of a man; and it ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none.
CLIMAX: “I couldn’t take no more ‘cause I was too much of a man / so I jumped right through the window with my dick in my hand.”
#4. Tim Dog: “Secret Fantasies” (1991, Ruffhouse Records)
DENOMINATION: Celebrity fuck fantasy
Well, it came down to Biggie’s “I’m Just Playin’” and this. They’re both great, but…well, you have to look at who’s writing this. Anyway, we all want to fuck celebrities, jerked off to celebrities, etc. Tim Dog and the Ultramagnetic crew walk us through those hyperbolic sexual fantasies with great accuracy, uncouth humor, and prowess. I wanted to fuck Pebbles and En Vogue, too. Shit.
CLIMAX: “She wanted me to pee in her face / so what did you do? / I pissed in her face.”
#3. Too $hort: “Blowjob Betty” (1993, Jive Records)
DENOMINATION: Death on the job
Sex is all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Well, when Too $hort is sittin’ on a sink and gettin’ some head, someone croaks.
CLIMAX: “A young girl died just last night / she choked on sperm in her windpipe / it was on her face, her neck and chest / and we’re sorry to say there’s no suspect / when I saw that, my brain clicked / I bust a nut and killed a bitch.”
#2. Bustdown: “Nasty Bitch” (1992, Effect Records)
DENOMINATION: The Dog Out
Arguably the greatest alpha male, dog-like, sex rap of all time, New Orleans’ Bustdown just goes the fuck off. No more to be said. The “Just a Friend” parody at the end is the stuff legends are made of.
CLIMAX: “Got freaky and asked me to piss in her face / she asked one time, I took that leak / ‘cause I could give a muthafuck about a broke ass freak / she went to suckin’ my asshole, it felt so great / I farted in her mouth and made her cheeks inflate.”
#1. Kool G. Rap: “Talk Like Sex” (1990, Cold Chillin' Records)
As good as the sequel (“Fuck U Man”) was, it was almost a let down in comparison. The prototype for sex on wax. Nothing is comparable.
CLIMAX: “Time and place doesn’t matter to me, sweetie / I’ll fuck you on the A train while I write graffitti.”
OK, what’d I miss?
J-Zone’s book, Root for the Villain: Rap, Bullshit, and a Celebration of Failure, is available in soft cover and e-book formats now on amazon.com and directly from Zone himself at www.govillaingo.com