1. J-Zone’s 20 Greatest Sex Rhymes.

    JZones_20_Greatest_SexRhymes

    I see Cupid shot’cha in the ass again, huh? Fuck all that. Let’s kill all the formalities and flowers. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is what truly motivates you to make those donations to Hallmark and that swank sushi spot with the $27 California rolls. Let’s hear from some folks who understand that concept. I present to you my 20 greatest sex-related rap songs of all time . Happy Valentines Day...[insert Snoop Dogg in Baby Boy voice] "scrub."


    BEGIN THE COUNTDOWN OF 'ZONE'S 20 GREATEST SEX RHYMES...


    #20. Luke (ft. Notorious B.I.G.): "Bust A Nut" (1996, Luke Records)

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    DENOMINATION: Orgies

    Considering Biggie weighed 300+ pounds, claimed to have defecated on women, and did all of the above most likely while wearing a giant Coogi sweater, you have the greatest and most ignorant Biggie rhyme of all time.

    CLIMAX: “I like 'em cute, round tits and fat asses / educated, so I can bust off on their glasses.”


    #19. B.W.P.: “2 Minute Brother” (1991, RAL)

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    DENOMINATION: Lazy, lousy men

    The ladies let us males know how much we suck.

    CLIMAX: “Is this all I get? Is this supposed to be good dick?”


    #18. AMG: “Bitch Betta Have My Money” (1991, Select Records)

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    DENOMINATIONS: Sex for $$$$, reversing the game

    AMG taught me at the tender age of 14 that if you’re good enough, the game can be reversed. Easier said than done; tradition is a muthafucka and as long as the insufferable Capt. Save-a-Ho exists, it’s an uphill battle. Slow strides are being made. It’s kind of like erasing racism.

    CLIMAX: “I’m no joke when I stroke for a client / bitches need dick, so they’re buying it / G with the hi-top fade, open up your Coach bag, bitch, so I can get paid.”


    #17. JCD & the Dawg Lb.: “Bon Appetit” (1992, Profile Records)

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    DENOMINATION: Cunningulus

    One hip-hop faux pas in the early ‘90s was an alpha male rapper admitting on record to pleasuring a woman orally. Like interracial dating, homosexuality, and other largely Generation Y concepts that were publicly shunned, denounced, or obscured in years past, rappers made giant strides and finally started eating some pussy on records (Beatnuts, Pooh Man, etc.) This early ode to tongue action remains unheralded in the pantheon of lick ‘em low rap.

    CLIMAX: “We all eat pussy, even the niggas who front hard / moustache smellin’ like menstrual discharge.”


    #16. Ghostface Killah: “Wildflower” (1996, Epic Records)

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    DENOMINATIONS: Angry sex, revenge fuck

    Sometimes the best nut is achieved when you’d like nothing better than to back a Winnebago over your unfaithful partner as he/she lays in the driveway - but you just fuck their brains out instead.

    CLIMAX: “Yo bitch, I fucked your friend / yeah you stink ho.”


    #15. Choice: “One Just Ain’t Enough” (1992, Rap-A-Lot Records)

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    DENOMINATIONS: Ho-ish rap, trains

    Lil’ Kim owes Choice a check. The first slutty female MC, Choice lets the world know that not one dick, but multiple dicks are what it takes to keep her satisfied.

    CLIMAX: “I can take the world’s biggest dick and still won’t scream / yeah, I’m a ho, but not your average ho / I like to stay on top and ride you to the fuckin’ flo’ / so if you wanna fuck me, you better bring a homie / ‘cause it takes more than one nigga, to bone me.”


    #14. The Geto Boys: “The Other Level” (1991, Rap-A-Lot Records)

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    DENOMINATIONS: Threesomes, change of sexual orientation

    The lilliputian pimp, Bushwick Bill, plays John Stockton and receives the assist for getting two women to abandon their heterosexual ways for one night. This wouldn’t be as amazing if Bill weren’t four feet tall and the girls doing the adlibs and slurping didn’t sound so wildly uncomfortable and loud in the song’s mix. Plus, you have to respect Bushwick for channeling Cosby when he’s about to get things poppin’.

    CLIMAX: “Pick ‘em up and I make em feel comfortable / cracking jokes, as if I were Cliff Huxtable.”


    #13. Scarface: “The Pimp” (1991, Rap-A-Lot Records)

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    DENOMINATIONS: Sex for $$$$, marriage counseling

    Face fills the listener in on how to help keep marriages afloat in the second verse. Sometimes a little outside help is needed to keep the fire lit when your partner is working long hours.

    CLIMAX: “I guess her husband ain’t packin’ / ‘cause the bitch damn sure is fuckin Akshen [Scarface] / but what he don’t know won’t hurt him, shit / ‘cause see I don’t love that bitch.”


    #12. Section 8 Mob: “Ketchup on My Hot Dog” (1994, Solar Records)

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    DENOMINATION: That time of the month

    Lesser-known, D.C.-based S8 Mob explains why an cyclic obstacle for most couples is not an obstacle for them - via a condiment-pork metaphor. Not for the squeamish, but hey, they get points for being creative.

    Climax: “Ya say you’re bleeding? You’re bloated? You’re all cramped up? I got a pocket full of Midol and I’m ready to fuck... / I’ll smell your dirty ass while you’re giving me head / a nigga woke up, I’m 69-ing in the red.”


    #11. Master P: “Oooh Shit” (1992, No Limit Records)

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    DENOMINATION: Unsafe Sex

    Before the “Unnnnnnhhhh” man made it big and Pen & Pixeled his way into the hearts of the masses, he was making lo-fi, amateur-sounding songs about gettin' some head from a female corpse and what happens when you decide to slip-n-slide without a Jimmy Hat.

    Climax: “After the concert a nigga dick turned blue / and when I see her, I’mma kill that bitch / Damn, she done did somethin’ to my dick.”


    #10. Brooklyn Assault Team: “On the Bone Again” (1993, Flavor Unit Records)

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    DENOMINATION: Backed up / Dry spell

    Nobody bats .1000. We’ve all had moments when the Rolodex is empty and shit gets thick. Unless you have no standards or Ted Bawno money. Even better, the second verse completely ignores the song's dry spell theme in true "my main man just got outta jail so I'm putting him on a song to welcome him home" fashion.

    Climax: “Now I’m chillin’, layin in my bed / with my hand between my legs, playin’ with my dick head / lookin’ at a real freaky white chick, suck a black dick on a porno flick / and I ain’t got no bitch? / man, that’s corny / my dick’s hard as a rock and I’m horny.”


    #9. Too $hort: “Freaky Tales” (1989, Jive Records)

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    DENOMINATIONS: Promiscuity, Variety

    The quintessential blueprint for the sex rhyme. Short Dog utilizes 9:30 to lay claim to 40 different women from all different walks of life.

    Climax: “Like this tender, named Belinda / the homeboys call her, Belinda the Blender / she gave head, like she made it up / she was 20 years old with a big, round butt.”


    #8. Poison Clan: “Ho Stories” (1992, Effect Records)

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    DENOMINATION: Undesirable situation sex

    The self-proclaimed “Bitchizer” of Poison Clan, JT Money, takes us on two wild journeys of getting with last resort sexual partners. Sometimes you gotta make accommodations and shit.

    Climax: “Big bitch was a freak, she turned me over and started lickin’ out my buttcheeks / then I got into it / I said ‘please, don’t squeeze my ass when you do it’ / she must not have liked the taste / ‘cause she stopped eatin’ ass when I farted in her face.”


    #7. Grand Daddy IU: “Girl in the Mall” (1990, Cold Chillin' Records)

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    DENOMINATION: Same day score

    As some of you may know, this one holds a special place in my heart as the song that kick-started my modest rap career. Hearing it at age 13 gave me a completely skewered rendition of what an episode is like from meeting to main event, but never have Scope and Crest played such integral roles in sex before or after this record.

    Climax: “She agreed to do the deed but as she grabbed my beef / I smacked the shit out her, and said ‘go brush your teeth.’”


    #6. Greyson & Jasun: “Laura” (1991, Atlantic Records)

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    DENOMINATION: Trespassing

    As fellow Vance Wright proteges, I had the chance to meet and work with G&J. To this day, I remind them that this song is why I try not to infringe on an already claimed woman, especially on her home court. At the risk of sounding lame, no nut is worth an encounter with a seven foot Cuban.

    Climax: “He said ‘I’mma kill you both while you’re layin’ in the bed / I’mma cut off your balls and nail ‘em to her head.'”


    #5. MC Ren: “Behind The Scenes” (1992, Ruthless Records)

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    DENOMINATIONS: Incest, trains, peeping tom

    MC Ren has a knack for these stuck-up-bookworm-turns-neighborhood ho stories. But “Behind the Scenes” is on another level. After snooping through a window and witnessing the mother and father fucking our trampy bookworm, what does Ren do? Call the fuzz? Report it to Child Protective Services? No, not Ren. He’s too much of a man; and it ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none.

    CLIMAX: “I couldn’t take no more ‘cause I was too much of a man / so I jumped right through the window with my dick in my hand.”


    #4. Tim Dog: “Secret Fantasies” (1991, Ruffhouse Records)

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    DENOMINATION: Celebrity fuck fantasy

    Well, it came down to Biggie’s “I’m Just Playin’” and this. They’re both great, but...well, you have to look at who’s writing this. Anyway, we all want to fuck celebrities, jerked off to celebrities, etc. Tim Dog and the Ultramagnetic crew walk us through those hyperbolic sexual fantasies with great accuracy, uncouth humor, and prowess. I wanted to fuck Pebbles and En Vogue, too. Shit.

    CLIMAX: “She wanted me to pee in her face / so what did you do? / I pissed in her face.”


    #3. Too $hort: “Blowjob Betty” (1993, Jive Records)

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    DENOMINATION: Death on the job

    Sex is all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Well, when Too $hort is sittin’ on a sink and gettin’ some head, someone croaks.

    CLIMAX: “A young girl died just last night / she choked on sperm in her windpipe / it was on her face, her neck and chest / and we’re sorry to say there’s no suspect / when I saw that, my brain clicked / I bust a nut and killed a bitch.”


    #2. Bustdown: “Nasty Bitch” (1992, Effect Records)

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    DENOMINATION: The Dog Out

    Arguably the greatest alpha male, dog-like, sex rap of all time, New Orleans’ Bustdown just goes the fuck off. No more to be said. The “Just a Friend” parody at the end is the stuff legends are made of.

    CLIMAX: “Got freaky and asked me to piss in her face / she asked one time, I took that leak / ‘cause I could give a muthafuck about a broke ass freak / she went to suckin’ my asshole, it felt so great / I farted in her mouth and made her cheeks inflate.”


    #1. Kool G. Rap: “Talk Like Sex” (1990, Cold Chillin' Records)

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    DENOMINATION: G.O.A.T.

    As good as the sequel (“Fuck U Man”) was, it was almost a let down in comparison. The prototype for sex on wax. Nothing is comparable.

    CLIMAX: “Time and place doesn’t matter to me, sweetie / I’ll fuck you on the A train while I write graffitti.”


    OK, what'd I miss?


    J-Zone's book, Root for the Villain: Rap, Bullshit, and a Celebration of Failure, is available in soft cover and e-book formats now on amazon.com and directly from Zone himself at www.govillaingo.com


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  2. You might wanna peep...

    • http://tytyindustries.com Tyrone Fuller

      damn you, J Zone. Secret F should have been NUMBER ONE. Tim Dog is going to want to rape you, as he has threatened to do so many times on wax.

      "The pussy felt like velvet."

    • MegB

      I'd like to respectfully submit as one of the greatest sex rhymes: Danny Brown "I Will" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8klEWSwBZq4

    • werd

      I'd like to nominate the whole album, sex style by kool keith.

    • Day1

      Man, you're amazing... Everytime you do one of these i find out about some mad obscure ill shit. "Bon Appetit" may be the freshest hh joint i hear this year! I would've included Fashion's 'Lick The Pussy' and the one G Rap track where he gets cockblocked by Sir Jinx though...
      Anyway, dope choices, keep on doin what you do!

    • http://www.leicesterbluesox.co.uk mattsource

      Ice T - This girl tried to kill me

      My dick was harder than a bulletproof vestShe started pourin' baby oil on her chestAnd then she said, "Gimme gimme gimme"Jumped on my Jimmy, and rode me like the Wild WestI almost passed out, then the front door cold bust inIt was her fuckin' husband, six-foot tenI knew my life would soon endHomeboy tried to kill me, he didn't use a bomb or a gunHomeboy tried to kill me, yo...yo, nowhere to runHomeboy tried to kill me, he didn't use a gun or a knifeHomeboy tried to kill me, cos he had caught me fuckin' his wifeYo.....

    • http://govillaingo.com J-Zone

      Thanks. And before I get called out for omissions, here are some that I was gonna include but just didn't have enough space:

      "Head Head and Mo' Head" by Luke (ft. JTMoney & Jiggie Gee)
      "Feel Like A Nut" by Ed OG & the Bulldogs
      "Pimpin Ain't Easy" by Big Daddy Kane
      "Story" by the Beatnuts
      "Hit Me" by Nice N Smooth
      "Like A Virgin" by Red Hot Lover Tone
      "Paula & Janet" by Too $hort
      "She Swallowed It" by NWA

    • Bill Sharp

      How did you not include "She Swallowed It"?! Excellent column anyway.

      "Girl at the Mall" would rank closer to the top on my list. I would've liked to see Geto Boys' "Gangster of Love" on there, but hey... I can't argue with the list.

    • buckemdwn

      two contradictory ones...

      "Lick the Pussy" by the Beatnuts

      "I dont want to eat it" by DJ Quik

    • http://Www.thug.com Sucka

      Darkside - stanky booty bitches
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjrrfMx76og

      This is hands down the best one. Whole verse is a quotable. Incredible album also, but hella rare. Did some work with Quik afterwards, tight shit..

    • http://the273.com blackbeltjonez

      A UK entry (ba-dum-tssss...)

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dmuHdrfGto

    • http://www.twitter.com/hotboxbeats hotbox

      Dope list! A couple of songs I've never heard before. I definitely would've put some Pooh-Man on there, though.

    • Duane

      Dukee Shoot by Disco Rick
      Whipped Cream Nuts & Cherries by Goldy
      Mr Dick by Sinister
      Snake by Big Tymers
      Buttafuoco-Kwest tha Madd Lad
      Diss that Ho-Hostyle
      Mo Pussy-DJ Quik
      ..and on and on...

    • kevin young

      Ganksta NIP's "Disgusting"

      "I thought the bich was a acrobat she put her head between her legs in started eatn her on cat"

      all that while getting eaten by roaches and rats.... "

      romantical shit

    • Roc Diesel

      No "Digital Underground - Freaks Of The Industry"????

    • http://www.soundcloud.com/nicoelrico NicoSWEBaby

      Wow, Bustdown pretty much bited Poison Clan & Tim Dog, just rearanged a lil

    • http://www.bloggerhouse.net Trav

      You know I gotta say it.....No Face - We Wants To Fuck

    • TC

      Someone needs to compile this into a mixtape, drop some knowledge on the world.

      also how could you leave out Stapleton Sex by Ghostface Killah.
      That's easily the most intense sex rhyme.

    • El Chupanalgas

      HOW THE FUCK YOU GONNA FORGET " PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH" BY AKINYELE!!!!!!???????? for reals man????

    • bigbirdington

      No akinyele? List is great but suspect without the man.

    • ESP

      Slick Rick's Adults Only is a hitter. Putting your dick up a girls ass without letting her know beforehand? That's a dog move right there.

    • GBIZ

      Ur kidding right? How are you not going to include Phife Dawg's line in Electric Relaxation by A Tribe Called Quest?..."Let me hit it from the back, girl I won't catch a hernia, bust off on ya couch now you got Semen's furniture"...probably one of the best lines ever period in hip hop history, let alone jus put into the sex category

    • http://govillaingo.com J-Zone

      I'm gonna open up the floodgates of anger right now, but fuck it. I always thought Akinyele was an incredible MC and was lucky to work with him. But I never liked "Put It In Your Mouth." At least not enough for this list. Just one man's opinion. There are about 300 great x-rated songs (DU, Willie D, Disco Rick, etc.) but it's a matter of opinion. Everyone should respond with their own personal Top 20 via comment and then everything will get it's due!

      P.S. Electric Relaxation isn't the same type of x-rated song as these. These are vulgar and wild. Apples and oranges despite the Seaman's Furniture line. Good call on "Adults Only" though.

    • GBIZ

      Agreed, Electric Relaxation isn't the same type of x-rated song as these but the name of this blog is simply called 20 Greatest Sex Rhymes, not 20 Greatest Sex Rhymes in an X-Rated song...everyone has their own personal opinion so I can't say your'e crazy for not putting Phife Dawg's line on the list but that line has stuck with me (no pun intended) ever since I heard it in middle school so that's why I thought it deserved consideration in this top 20...apples and oranges though, guess it really is a matter of personal preference

    • Kai

      First up, I just finished reading your book and I loved it. Being one of the few people who bought every album you put out, it's nice to know I didn't contribute to the pile of CDs you still have clogging up your basement! Your feelings on most subjects tally with mine too (although, being a Londoner, I can't comment on the gentrification of NY).
      Anyway, as soon as I saw the title of this list my thoughts turned to 'On The Bone Again', so I was pleasantly surprised to see this forgotten gem on your list too. 'Gimmie Head' from the same album could have made the list too.

    • http://www.soundcloud.com/m-select M-Select

      new shit! don't get stuck back in the day

      "FUCK ME TIL I DIE" - Action Bronson w/ Meyhem Lauren, J-Love, J-Steele & Fonda
      "punch her in the face, put her in a headlock/give her children out of wedlock"

      "GREAT GRANDDAD" - Danny Brown
      "dick up in her mouth so she can't talk/pop a pill and fuck a bitch til she can't walk"

    • http://www.soundcloud.com/m-select M-Select

      also just because i'm not no newjack

      "CARTOON ORGY" - K-Rino
      "Shaggy & Scooby Doo was havin a fight/over who was gonna get to fuck Daphne that night/Snagglepuss stepped up & said be cool/y'all ain't gettin shit, she on her period fool"

    • HughPhug

      props on Bustdown
      "her pussyhole smelt like sour cream and onion"
      still got the 12", still guarenteed to clear the room

    • Illgren

      My dude and I stuffed the ballot box for our 1998 high school yearbook, resulting in "Secret Fantasies" being listed at number 2 in the list of favourite songs. We still consider it our crowning achievement in high school.

    • http://govillaingo.com J-Zone

      That's such a great story, Illgren. I truly had "Nasty Bitch" and Secret Fantasies at #1 and #2 on here, respectively, but I let a little objectivity take influence for the sake of giving Too $hort and Kool G Rap their due props. I'd also like to include an honorable mention of "Dookey Shoot" by The Dogs. This is classic right here!

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_T4ZSeIEbU

    • http://somanyshrimp.com David

      Kilo Ali - She Got Me Eating Pussy
      http://youtu.be/TxSiIh2Ijgo
      original version from '91 w/ the intro that was removed for sample clearance reasons

    • John Culpry

      As always, props on a well-compiled list. One o my personal favorites that didnt make it was Akinyele's final verse on "Butt Naked", which is pretty much a parody from Busta Rhymes' "Scenario" verse:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCG9noSLufw

    • http://djmatthewafrica.com Matthew Africa

      The original, Bushwick Bill-free version of the Geto Boys' "Gangsta of Love" is untouchable to me.

      Also, DJ Paul's "Still Gettin' My D Suck" is a very special, romantic record.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCJHS8HbXLs

    • tris76

      opinions are like assholes, everybody got one.. love your lists homey..keep edutaining tha kiddies. heres three that would be on my list...

      hit and run by Xibit ft Ron Hightower (pornstar)

      quikie by Ghetto Boyz (another level was def a good choice!)

      worship the "D" by Saafir the Saucee Nomad

    • e. brown

      great list zone! those old 90s joints are just outrageous. side note though
      seems no "greatest ever" list has kool keith and kool g rap on it.

    • http://none Gen RC
    • http://none Gen RC

      ohh shit i dont pay attention you had it on there damn zone you got me. whatever I found beep me.

    • dawg

      late as fuck on this, but what about "cunt renaissance" by RA & Big?

      "ain't no dick like the one I got/Big rip the twat in the basement of weed spots"