Earlier today the Interwebz were abuzz over the above video clip: famed actress/some-time singer Gwyneth Paltrow busting out a few bars of N.W.A’s “Gangsta Gangsta” ( not “Straight Outta Compton” as vid title reads) at the behest of an effete UK talk show host to the delight of an absolutely tickled pink studio audience. C’mon, son! By George, white folks who listen to rap (much less famous, 30-something ones)?!? In 2011, who woulda thunk it!
In the great words of NBA malcontent Derrick Coleman, whoop-de-damn-do . Apologies to the 30,000 100 million folks who’ve shared the link on the Facebook, but it’s not that special. But you know what would be special? What actually would be impressive on some hip-hop shit?
If Gwyneth had done any of the following…
1. Named Her Firstborn “Peach Schnaaps” Instead of “Apple.”
The only apples in the ’hood are apple-flavored Jolly Ranchers.
2. Did a Grammy Awards Show Duet with T-Mo, Not Ceelo.
Forget Ceelo’s Buster Poindexter routine. Goodie Mob’s forgotten member needs an assist.
3. Always Posted “First” on the T.R.O.Y. Blog.
It’s tougher than it sounds. Believe us, we’ve tried.
4. Married One of the Other Chris Martins.
Everyone knows Gwyneth is hitched to Coldsore’s – oops, we mean Coldplay’s, Chris Martin. Granted, the wimpy Englishman’s inexplicably popular with rap superstars (Shawn Carter and Kanye jock him like ants on candy). But Gwyneth would truly get props over here if she’d instead jumped the broom with Chris “DJ Premier” Martin, or Chris “Play of Kid N’ Play” Martin. Talk about a House Party!
5. Recited the Lyrics to Ice Cube’s “Cave Bitch” on TV.
We don’t know a white person that doesn’t own Straight Outta Compton . Let’s see Gwyneth drop some Lethal Injection science .
Ease back white bitch, I don’t play that
Just because I got on my L.A. hat
Stalkin’, walking in my big black boots
Is my jingle, now you want Mandingo
Big, black and handsome
I should hold your devil ass for ransom
Sorta like Patty Hearst, but I’ll burst first, bitch
And you know what’s worse
I’m coming from the land where the choppers roam
So fuck you bitch and your Coppertone
Stringy hair, no derrière—frontin’ and fakin’ with your silicone pair
Do I wanna fuck? Not hardly
That’s kinda like Barbie fuckin’ Bob Marley
It ain’t gonna happen, I keep rappin’
Muthafuck Tennille, but see I’m the Captain of this ship
And I’m true to the game
Y’all look the same
Standin’ by my backstage door, hopin’ that I’ll switch
Spread out, you little cave bitch
Now THAT would be some shit worthy of 140 characters.