1. "Footloose" (2011): The Irresponsible Movie Review.


    Have You Seen Footloose (2011)? Neither Have We. Here's Our Review.

    Somewhere Kevin Bacon is shedding a tear. Not because MTV decided to remake his white people can dance masterpiece Footloose , but because that dude is probably running through so many lines of cocaine right now, his eyes are getting crazy watery. But that's just speculation, so don't you dare quote us on that because we have no idea if "Pork Chop" likes nose candy or not. Although he's been in Hollywood since the '70s so you figure it out.

    Anyways, yeah, MTV has once again conspired with the United States government to churn out more propaganda that encourages our youths to become walking, talking American Eagle Outfitter ads. Small Town Americana used to be about family values, hard work and racism. And thank the Lord, it's still about that, except now it must have a homogenized look to go with it. But, hell, as long as MTV encourages impressionable, horny tenders to get out on the dance floor and bust out their best wannabe approximations of strip club maneuvers, then well, we can't be all mad at Milquetoast Television, now can we? Because just the thought of getting your middle aged hands on barely legal ass is now, according to the latest amendment to the Constitution, the official new American Dream. And that goes for men and women. (We see you cougars.)

    Footloose stars some douche and Miley Cyrus. Except they couldn't actually get Billy Ray's wild seed, so they got Mandy Moore instead. Or, rather, some chick that might as well be Miley or Mandy. But in the end, let's be honest, it doesn't matter who they cast because as we all know very well any hot, young cocktease in a jean miniskirt giving half-assed lapdances is gonna be enough to attract millions of the nation's attention whore copycats addicted to tumblr and their bi-curious boyfriends to the theaters in droves. MTV knows their shit, those clever motherfuckers.

    The basic plot of Footloose should be well known to all by now. When a teenaged tragedy involving dancing happens in Hicksville, USA the village parents do the responsible thing: they blame Black people. Okay, they don't really, but banning hip-hop steps in 2011 is sorta the same thing as restricting "race music" in the '50s, no? Well, whatever the case, it ain't right making dancing illegal, especially since white folks still need all the help they can get. (To be fair, there are some "colored" extras dancing they asses off in the background, and there's a possibly-mixed hottie in a supporting role. Damn, that girl hot. She look like a twentysomething Maya Rudolph crossed with Laura Ingalls. This movie is suddenly getting better the more we think about it.) The grown folks' overreactions, of course, leads to an inevitable dance rebellion, with lots of scenes looking like the music videos they don't show on MTV no more. Oh, the irony.

    By far the best part of the 2011 version of Footloose is the zombies. Yeah, zombies are mad trendy right now, but these pop-locking undead are making more sociopolitical statements than the original Night of the Living Dead (1968) and (spoiler) expressing way funkier dance steps than the "Thriller" music video. You see these perfectly looking whitewashed ghouls are not composed of rotting flesh and ragged clothes but rather are a throwback to the early cinematic counterparts of the '40s and '50s: braindead social beings who are driven to consume. This sort of edgy, risky move by MTV is unexpected, thus forcing us to give the revamped Footloose a rating of 3 1/2 We Give a Fucks instead of 4.

    RATINGS: 1 We Give a Fucks = Shit. 2 We Give a Fucks = Shite. 3 We Give a Fucks = Shit Shit. 4 We Give a Fucks = Shittiest.

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