1. Countdown: Count Chocula vs. Stretch Armstrong

    Originally published in ego trip #10, 1997

    What can we tell you about world famous white hip-hop spin doctor Stretch Armstrong—the DJ formerly known as “Adrian B”? Well for one, he’s white hot. He’s appeared on the Arsenio Hall Show . He’s good friends with Latin b-boy sensation Bobbito Garcia. He also does a wonderful, underground, “keep it real” radio show co-hosted by the aforementioned Latin heart throb Robert Garcia. It’s been running for seven whole years, people. Recognize the gift, players.

    A former A&R whiz kid, now Funkmaster Stretch-Boogie, the tastemaker don dada, has delved further into the rap game, penetrating music industry sugar walls and pissy housing project halls. Dolo Records is his empire’s name. And by gosh, it’s like Marley Marl’s House of Hits all over again. Protect your neck, Steve Rifkind. Stretch is gunnin’ for your gold and after that, the platinum. Guess who’s coming to dinner, fool?

    Count Chocula: Pleez how did it begin for you, friend?

    Stretch Armstrong : That’s a really played out question.

    Count Chocula: You zink more played out zan promoting your own recordz on your own radio show, my friend?

    Stretch Armstrong: [Robust laughter]

    Count Chocula: Hello? Monkey brain…

    Stretch Armstrong: I wouldn’t play my own records if I didn’t like them.

    Count Chocula: Zo, zerious question—do you eat my zereal, motherfuckardt?

    Stretch Armstrong: Nah, I don’t eat that shit. Your cereal sucks. Why you promoting your cereal?

    Count Chocula: What am I, Ztretch Armztrong or zomezing? So pleez tell me about other white DJz who DJ.

    Stretch Armstrong: There’s a lot of them.

    Count Chocula: Iz zere zpecial allianze?

    Stretch Armstrong: No, there isn’t. I guess sometimes we feel like we understand each other.

    Count Chocula: Do you like rappar 8-Off Ze Azzassin, my friend?

    Stretch Armstrong: That’s my man.

    Count Chocula: Iz zat why your girlfriend waz in hiz video, my friend?

    Stretch Armstrong: Oh my God. Oh, um, is that why? Nah, the reason she was in the video was because the director is a friend of mine and he asked me if she would do it.

    Count Chocula: Did she have an Alize for dolo afterwardz, my friend?
    Stretch Armstrong: No.

    Count Chocula: Zo, who have you zigned, my friend?
    Stretch Armstrong: Who have I signed in my stellar career as an A&R person? Um, the Artifacts…

    Count Chocula: Tell me zpecial ztory about Artifactz.
    Stretch Armstrong: Special story… I can’t really remember any special stories about them.

    Count Chocula: Iz it becauze zere is nothing zpecial about zem, my friend? Becauze zey are mediocre?
    Stretch Armstrong: That could be the reason…

    Count Chocula: Which magazine do you like?
    Stretch Armstrong: I really, really like ego trip . Your column, Chockie.

    Count Chocula: You called me a honky? I’m a Black nubian prince!
    Stretch Armstrong: Chockie!

    Count Chocula: You are veddy zmart man. Tell me about great rock un roll collection zat you have.
    Stretch Armstrong: I don’t have a great rock ‘n’ roll collection.

    Count Chocula: Zo, you are another white person in rap who zayz he doezn’t like rock un roll?
    Stretch Armstrong: No, I love rock ‘n’ roll.

    Count Chocula: Fuck Dolo!
    Stretch Armstrong: Word? I heard your mother’s on welfare.

    Count Chocula: Zo, is zere zomething wrong with welfare, Mr. White Man?
    Stretch Armstrong: There is, yeah, sure. If you’re able-bodied and can work and you’re not like my man Lord Sear who is just lazy…

    Count Chocula: A lot of your fanz are on welfare. Do you have mezzage to zem, motherfuckardt?
    Stretch Armstrong: Yeah, get a job.

    Count Chocula: But what if zey zay, “I want to work at Dolo?”
    Stretch Armstrong: If you like lifting boxes… I have a bad back.

    Count Chocula: Oh, would you like zome Ben Gay perhapz? What inztrument do you play bezidez playing yourzelf, my friend?
    Stretch Armstrong: Well, I do that the best. But after that, I play drums, you fuck.

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