It’s the holidays and we got more rapping than all the Christmas presents under the tree. It’s long been known that everybody and their mama eventually comes out with a Xmas song, but what about the XXXmas songs out there? You know, the curse-ridden joints with references to sex, drugs and violence that you can’t (or at least really shouldn’t) play around the fam. Or even the ones that keep it really real and address the fact that for many Christmas is just a depressing as hell time of year? Dispelling the notion that all Yuletide harmonies are wholesome, here’s a selection of raps that are too raw for Christmas.
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Sean Price — "How Sean Price Stole Christmas" (Duck Down, 2012)
“You sleepin’, that’s the cousin of death/ I take every gift under the tree til there ain’t none left.” You’d probably welcome a lump of coal in your stocking if you knew what nasty things Sean P could leave in there instead.
R.A. The Rugged Man & Mac Lethal - "Crustified Christmas" (Nature Sounds, 2012)
Midget tossing elves and pointing out that Saint Nick looks like a white Rick Ross are just a few of the more “innocent” qualities of this filthy carol.
Biz Markie ft. Big Daddy Kane - "XXX-Mas Freestyle" (Recorded live in 1987; released via Cold Chillin'/Traffic, 2006)
Tis the season of gettin’ laid — ho, ho, ho!
Eazy-E ft. Dolemite, Atban Klan, Bucwheed (The Wascals), Menajahtwa, Will 1 X (a/k/a will.i.am) - "Merry Muthafuckin' Christmas" (Ruthless, 1992)
This is one Christmas party at which employees were encouraged to get nasty (the Ruthless way). This would include the pre-Black Eyed Peas Atban Klan featuring will.i.am (then known as Will 1 X).
(Photo courtesy of the Internetz)
Mr. Lif - "Santa's Got a Muthafuckin' Uzi" (Definitive Jux, 2006)
Because no list of Christmas raps is complete with out at least one song with “Muthafuckin’” in the title. Produced by Edan.
Tyler the Creator - "Fuck Santa" (2010)
Tyler doesn’t get any of the stuff he wanted for Christmas, especially the answer to the question, “What the fuck is Kwanzaa?”
Apathy - "Wonderful X-Mas Time" (2011)
The Demigodz member (and devoted rap fan)’s Xmas wishlist includes a Tribe reunion, a Jay Electronica debut album, and Drake disappearing in exchange for leaving Santa some magic brownies. Nice Paul McCartney & Wings flip by Scoop DeVille on the track.
Treacherous Three ft. Doug E. Fresh - "Santa's Rap" (Atlantic, 1984).
Rated PG-13 for brief strong language. (Rated R for thoughts of Rae Dawn Chong under the mistletoe back in ’84.)
Tone Tank & Scott Thorough ft. Kool A.D. — "Holiday Banger" (2012)
The dichotomy of the holidays encapsulated. While Tone bucks down the Grinch, Kool A.D. discusses the seven core principles of Kwanzaa. Both rhyme like the ghosts of gangsta rap past.
Luke - "Christmas Fuckin' Day" (Luke, 1993)
From Uncle Luke’s 1993 horny holiday album Christmas At Luke’s Sex Shop – featuring cuts like “Ho Ho Hoes” for fans to get their jollies.
Lil B - "Santa Is Coming" (2008)
Based God’s commentary on materialism run rampant around the holidays. This almost made the “Nice” list since it only has like one bad word, but lil’ kids should probably have adult supervision while listening to Lil B. Which reminds us, all we want for Christmas this year is seeing parents explain Based God to their kids. Actually, all we want for Christmas is somebody to explain Lil B to us.
(Photo courtesy of the Internetz)
De La Soul - "Millie Pulled a Pistol On Santa" (Tommy Boy, 1991)
Darkest Christmas rap song ever. Actually, maybe just the darkest song ever.
Jim Jones ft. Stack Bundles & J.R. Rider - "Ballin' on Xmas" (Koch, 2006)
Stack Bundles: “I love Christmas – I can just imagine the white.” Bing Crosby hold ya head.
Frank Ward, Nef & 5 Wayz – "Christmas Rhyme" (Thizz Entertainment, 2006)
It’s Thizzmas, beezy.
David Banner ft. Mr. Marcus & Sky — “The Christmas Song” (Street Records Corporation, 2003)
It’s the night before Christmas and David Banner is stressed like the Hulk trying to find a way to get his kid gifts in tough economic times.
(Props to 69Jabbz for the upload)
Earl Sweatshirt, Hodgy Beats & Tyler the Creator - "Fuck This Christmas" (2010)
All Earl wants to find under his tree is Yoda — so he can [bleep] him in the [bleep]. Merry Christmas [bleeps]!
(Props to dantebisson for the upload)
BONUS: Too $hort — Hanukkah Jam (2012).
Short Dog is pinching tuchus for eight straight days.