1. Countdown: Count Chocula vs Everlast

    Originally published in ego trip #8, 1996

    Everyone knows House of Pain’s mega hit, “Jump Around.” If you ain’t familiar with said hit, just go back and listen to the Party to Go Away, Bye Bye compilation series (as seen on MTV) cuz this sweet ditty appears on Volumes 59 through 71. But nonetheless Everlast is well respected in most hip-hop ciphers. He’s a freestyle pimp, a loco lyricist, an ivory rapper’s rapper. His rhymes are super bad, flowin’ like liquid white chocolate.

    Count Chocula has always been a big fan of House of Pain, and is especially fond of microphone wrecker Danny Boy, so we didn’t have to coax him too tuff to do this in-depth, macho man-to-macho vampire interview. Chocula was a little disappointed to discover, however, that Danny was off snowboarding, and unable to contribute to this impromptu diatribe. Either way, as you’ll soon learn, Choc and Ev got along famously. These fellas must have known each other in another life. Word.

    Count Chocula: Everlast. Great man – how are you, fuckardt?

    Everlast: I’m a motherfucker, huh? How are you, fucking big brain?

    Count Chocula: Pleaze, zat hurts. Tell me, what happened to big zyndication show, Syndicate?

    Everlast: That’s Ice-T’s gig. I was with it for a minute, but…

    Count Chocula: Zo you hit it and quit it, fuckardt?

    Everlast: You got it – I wasn’t gettin’ my fetti.

    Count Chocula: What happened to great chicken rapper, Hen-G?

    Everlast: Hen-G? I haven’t talked to Hen-G in a while, but I’ve seen Evil-E, his brother, around. They seem to be doing all right.

    Count Chocula: My question: he is Evil-E, why iz he zo angry?

    Everlast: I don’t know why he’s angry. It could be because he’s still trying to get him and Hen-G out on a record.

    Count Chocula: Why are you frontin’ on zeir lyrical skillz? How come zey’re not on posse cut with you, fuckardt?

    Everlast: I got my own crew, man, and we cut off everybody that don’t give a shit about us.

    Count Chocula: So zere iz still strife with Cypress Hill and House of Pain? Strife?

    Everlast: Motherfuckers was a little mad at each other cuz House of Pain, we decided we wanted to produce our own records and do our own thing. I think the guys from Cypress took it personally at first. But Muggs and B-Real live right near me. I talk to them occasionally… it was just some business bullshit niggas got mad about.

    Count Chocula: What happenz when you see Mixmaster Muggz at Laundromat? I hear about great fight zere! Bloody fight with you and Mixmaster Muggz while cleaning dirty underward, fuckardt! Pleaze tell me play by play. You put him in yoke, maybe?

    Everlast: I got a laundry in my own house, man. I don’t go do my dirty drawers in public.

    Count Chocula: Pleaze tell me some of your favorite rapperz – white onez. I read zem to you, you tell me how you feel about zeir skillz. First one: Ali Dee.

    Everlast: Ali Dee? I don’t know that dude.

    Count Chocula: Next one: Tony D.

    Everlast: I have no idea who that is.

    Count Chocula: You’re frontin’ on your people, fuckardt. Ted Bundy – from show Married With Family .

    Everlast: Mixmaster Bud? He shouldn’t quit his day job, man.

    Count Chocula: Another zuper white group: Ze White Boyz.

    Everlast: They need to go home and become White Men.

    Count Chocula: Brian Austin Green?

    Everlast: I don’t know, man. That shit might work in Beverly Hills but not around this way.

    Count Chocula : But please, you are from South Zentral, fuckardt?

    Everlast: I ain’t from South Central, money. I live in the mountains.

    Count Chocula: Mountain climber, electric guitar, fuckardt?

    Everlast: Exactly.

    Count Chocula: Do you like white rapper, Miilkbone?

    Everlast: I don’t think he’s awful, but he sounds a lot like Naughty.

    Count Chocula: Pleaze, who has best handskillz: DJ Luger or Danny Boy?

    Everlast: Yo, you need to work on your accent a little bit, money. Who has better rhyme skills? I’d have to say Lethal.

    Count Chocula: Do you zink he iz good enough for ze White Men Cannot Rap 2 compilation, fuckardt?

    Everlast: Ah, he might work on that record. It depends on who’s A&R. You A&R on that record?

    Count Chocula: My marshmellowz are A&R on it, you fuckardt. Pleaze, tell me about his song, “Shitkickerz.” In my country if you kick shit, it iz not very special job. Zat job you had before, fuckardt, waz it shit kicker?

    Everlast: Nah, my job before was cleaning out the crabs from your mom’s ass.

    Count Chocula: Oh, zat is very mean. I will get cousin Boo Berry to buy all your vinyl from bargain bin and sell it back to you at inflation price. Tell me about new member of group, Divine Brown. And please, will Hugh Grant be on album?

    Everlast: Nah, bitch – that’s Divine Styler from The Scheme Team. We been peoples for like ten years, and we wanted to do some jazz together…

    Count Chocula: What iz going on with Larry Bird, fuckardt?

    Everlast: That nigga’s chillin’ over here at the house. He be doing my beats now.

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