1. 7 Reasons Why the Remake of the Movie “Juice” Will Never, Ever Happen

    I still think it’s a hoax. After all, 1992’s Juice is so deeply rooted in that particular time period, that there’s a snowball’s chance under Rosanne Barr’s ass that a remake could ever fly in 2011. Thinking along those lines has brought me a substantial amount of relief when digesting the fact that the rumored remake, featuring Soulja Boy (as 2Pac / Bishop), could be a potential reality (as reported by XXL Magazine).

    First off, I approach this list with utter and complete objectivity. As a 34-year-old rap fan and a New York native, I’ve already surrendered my right to an opinion just by being who I am. I refuse to even give an opinion on Soulja Boy, because doing so will make me a “hater” and an “old ass nigga” (see Soulja Boy vs. Ice-T beef from 2008) . Therefore, I won’t address the public opinion that this remake insinuates Soulja Boy is the next 2Pac. I really could care less. No, this list is to point out that due to the current times, fashions, trends and remake movie personnel, a remake is impossible. Even if, as Soulja Boy stated, “little details in the movie are different.” Here are seven scenes that cannot be deleted, replaced or re-created under 2011 circumstances, thus leaving gaping holes in the remake that render it useless.

    7. Current Fashion and Its Correlation with the “Rooftop Scene”

    One of the first action-packed moments of Juice was when Q and Bishop dipped 5-0 at the arcade, only to be cornered by them on a high rooftop.

    “It’s over boys, c’mon,” the cop said, before Q and Bishop pulled up their baggy jeans and hopped off the building roof to an adjacent one, soaring over a ten-foot gap between them.

    Scientifically, the laws of physics cannot and will not allow this to happen in 2011. As a wearer of baggy pants in the early 90s, I can state from experience that when wearing them while soaring through the air, the extra room created a parachute effect. Therefore, when Bishop and Q evaded an inevitable death plunge with that cross-building leap, they were aided by the combination of the wind and the room in their pants that were five sizes too big. Youth in 2011, including Soulja Boy, wear pants five sizes too small, thus disallowing such a parachute effect to take place. Re-enact that scene today; both Bishop and Q fall between the buildings and die in a pool of blood, broken bones and spandex denim. Juice would be over after 27 minutes.

    6. The “Record Store” Scene

    Well, record stores are dead, duh. Additionally, the clerk that Q distracted was also a tried and true NYC hoodrat. Hoodrats of that caliber either work in Wal-mart or the supermarket. If they re-enacted this scene, it would have to be at Path Mark or something.

    5. Blizzard’s “Stick Up” Scene

    “Alright everybody, strip!! Take your fuckin’ clothes off! Hurry up! You look good!”

    This was originally filmed in 1991 and there were men at that bar, including EPMD. In 2011, you can’t even say “yo that’s my main man” without people expecting you to say “no homo” or “pause” afterward. Hip-hop has become extremely homophobic for a contingent that currently boasts a 67% cross-dressing rate with its male participants. Whoever plays Blizzard in the remake will probably say “no homo” 347 times during this scene, thus taking away the effect and disrupting the whole shit.

    4. Steel’s Beat-Box / Candy Bar Routine

    Steele beat-boxing while shaking what appears to be a Baby Ruth candy bar in the mirror is one of the most subtly effective scenes in Juice . Why? Because it was a reminder that all fat kids back then did two things: eat and beat-box. These days, they still do the former, but never the latter. Even fat white, Latino, and Asian kids were serviceable beat-boxers during that time. The beat boxing will undoubtedly be overdubbed in kung-fu flick fashion.

    3. Q’s Relationship with the Older Woman

    Every high school had a kid with some game that was beyond his years. That kid was Q. High school girls went with older dudes, but rarely the reverse. From someone who has worked in high schools sporadically over the past 10 years, I’ve never encountered a 17-year-old with enough game to pull an older broad. These little bastards are too busy playing video games. Back then, when you played Donkey Kong , all you did was jump a few barrels, climb a few ladders and save the bitch. The remaining six hours of your free time enabled you to work on your older woman mack tactics, fuck spending all day playing NBA Live . Today’s kids don’t have that level of tact, gumption, or time, thus Q’s love interest will probably be in junior high school and work at the Perimeter Mall.

    2. The “DJ Battle”

    Let me guess, the Mixxmaster Massacre will be done wholly on Serato. Where Richie Rich and Vanguard butchered doubles of Big Daddy Kane’s “Nuff Respect” and Son of Bazerk’s “What Could be Better Bitch”, respectively, the remake’s competitors will lock in five cue points on “Superman that Hoe”. Furthermore, they’ll be battling with the Serato locked in Internal Mode. Bad.

    1. The Role of Social Networking in Current Teenage Life

    I can see it now. Bishop is going in on Twitter right after each body is caught:

    Steele Eric Steele

    Get them niggas, B! RT Bishop @ Old Man Quilles @ Radames “Riverside Muthafucka!”


    Bishop will then lay down the law on Mark Zuckerberg’s gangsta playground.

    Hi Q,

    Roland Bishop commented on your status.

    Roland wrote: “I don’t give a fuck about you, I don’t give a fuck about Steele and I don’t give a ffffffuck about Raheem either.”

    This will not work. Juice took place during NYC’s all-time greatest spike in crime and there was no Internet. Bishop would’ve been caught due to his IP address long before Steele or Radames got capped.

    Well, as you can tell, by highlighting these seven reasons why a Juice remake really won’t work, I’ve simultaneously destroyed my original argument. Upon further analysis, this remake has the potential to be the greatest awful straight to DVD hood movie of all time. If executed right (poorly), it will make State Property 2 look like Ben-Hur .  As long as they don’t remake this with any type of seriousness or likeness to the original, it may be good (bad) enough to catapult Baller Blockin ‘ into the Scorsese arena.

    10 Reasons Why “Juice” Remake Starring Souljah Boy is Absolutely Necessary

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